Girl Talk

Girl Talk Edition 4: To Love Again Or Not – So I ReMarried My Ex-Husand and My Top 4 Reasons To ReMarry Your Ex

To Love Again Or Not

So today is the day (on my 13th year wedding anniversary minus several months of divorce, so it doesn’t count), where I open up about one of the most torrid and challenging times in my adult life. To Love Again or Not – My ex-husband that is. Deciding to share this VERY personal story with you all was something I wasn’t sure I would do, but I thought transparency and openness with you all was what you deserved and I hope you can understand and be somewhat inspired.

So imagine after 11 years, you divorce someone, after 2 attempts at marriage counseling over the years, you decide to end your marriage. One of the most difficult things to do for anyone. Now imagine, you move on, fall in love, become engaged and you get a call … the call … the call from your ex where he says “I still love you and want you back”.  Like Whoa! You think to yourself ”I’m flattered but no thank you”.

Unfortunately, the no thank you later that day becomes a “really, he still loves me”? You then start questioning yourself, your feelings, your future …”DO I still love him?  With all that we have been through, do I even still want him”?. You try hard and I mean REALLY HARD to dive into your newly happily engaged life and see the bed of roses that lay before you…making a house into a home, planning a wedding etc etc … BUT in the back of your mind, HE is still there. The ex…tugging at your thoughts, your memory, your heart and the “what ifs” start creeping into your head which in turn creep into your life and current relationship. You and your fiancé still love and care for each other, but distance and resistance starts to set in. You know why it’s happening. You deny what you are feeling, because you never envisioned yourself going through something like this. Going through the emotions of being loved by one person so deeply, but you, yourself, loving someone else so deeply. Yes. Him. Your Ex-Husband. This my loves, was the torrid story of my life for a year. A year of asking … To Love Again Or Not.

Deciding to make the choice to go back to my ex-husband was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I don’t like hurting anyone, but in the end, someone was going to be hurt. I just had to make a decision as to what, in the long run, would make my heart happy and give me peace of mind. These are things that cannot be bought. There is no price you can put on them. I prayed often for guidance and help and in the end “a true love story never ends”. I had to come clean with everyone and ultimately with myself and admit to it. We both still loved each other very much and that was something we couldn’t deny. Yes, I did still love him. But I was scared. SOOOO scared because I wondered, had he REALLY changed. Don’t we all think this when deciding something so crucial? It’s only natural to fear the known. The years of tears and pain that he caused me, would they come back? Did he miss my physical presence or did he actually miss me? Why the sudden change? FEAR, it can make us strong and force us to overcome or it can make us weak and afraid to enter unknown territory, whether it be related to personal relationships or even starting a new career. Fear, is a beast that you don’t want to be consumed by. I trusted in our Father above and I listened to my heart and I chose. I chose him. I chose us…again.

There were tears, so many tears, but I had to move out and move on to rebuild and lift up my marriage. We went back to the marriage therapist that helped my husband to finally open up and be honest with not only me, but with himself. He had to admit to me things he NEVER did before during our our ENTIRE marriage that finally allowed me to hear him and feel him in a way I hadn’t before. To finally understand the man I had known. The man that I didn’t know. The man I loved.

He finally admitted, after he continued therapy sessions to things that he never told me before. Things that effected him and shaped him as a child such as abuse and lack of love and emotion in his home. He had no real example of how to build a family, how to love a family. How to open up. Here he was, standing tall, this big 6’5” man with his heart and mind finally opening. We also found out he has a mild case of Asbergers Syndrome, and if ANY of you know someone that has it, you can understand what it was like being married to him, without any explanation as to the “why he behaved like this”. (I’ll share on Aspergers another time) I learned so much about him. I now understand him. I now sympathize with him, I now help him to be the man that I know he is. Truly, I can’t complain, he worships the ground I walk on, treats me like a queen, knows how to love on me (ahem in the bedroom) and he now has a much better relationship with my daughter.

At first I thought OMG, are we crazy for remarrying again, and my oh my have we found out we are NOT alone. We have heard so many stories of ex spouses … many after YEARS apart, remarrying and it has filled our hearts with love and blessings. All in all I have grown and learned so much about us as humans and how strong we are in the face of adversity, and I am happy I have gone through my hell and have come out in one piece on the other side. We continue to see our therapist to help us build a stronger bond and work out any issues. Therapy has been a lifesaver and is something that should be considered when needed. No shame in that loves. None at all.

remarrying your ex husband

With ALL that said…here are my Top 4 Reasons to Re-Marry your Ex-Husband.

  1. People CAN Change

I know at first, this sounds sooooo cliché, but in this case it’s true. There are times that I step back in awe, that my husband now reacts to situations in a more tolerable way than he had before. I have learned to understand which of his behaviors are attributed to his Asbergers now that we have communication tools, (thanks to our on-going sessions with our therapist) to deal with them. Knowing is half the battle, and knowing, REALLY knowing what makes someone act the way they do, can do wonders.

  1. They Know You Like No One Else (you have history together)

You know that line in the Adele song “ ALL I ASK” (I’m listening to it as I type actually)  where she says “no one knows me like you do” well it’s true of your ex. Whether you want to admit it or not. Think about how many people know you, the way you tick, the way you think, your hopes, fears and dreams, more than your ex. There is just a sense of familiarity and comfort after SO many years with someone. I’m not advocating staying with anyone for this sole reason, I’m just saying the truth. Now one knows you like your ex.

3.      They Appreciate What They Lost (even it they don’t openly admit it)

You know people have to lose something they didn’t value, for them to actually value all that they had. Sometimes people actually do learn their lesson, when they let you go.

  1. All Men Have Issues In Some Shape or Form

Ladies, men …  ALL of them have issues. Damn, we as ladies have issued LOL. I learned that. Things may seem rosy at first, green on the other side, but sometimes, things come into the light as time goes on in a relationship that wasn’t evident in the beginning months or year of a relationship. You then have to ask “do I really want to trade in the black kettle for the black pot”. If you ask yourself this question, you may just be surprised at your answer.

It feels wonderful to finally have reached the end of this post. I’m free. I’ve shared. Thank you for reading. My ex-fiancé and I are fine. We still care very much for each other and are good friends. He has even moved on and started dating again (he is quite into this new girl of his LOL, which makes my heart happy).

Now enjoy some intimate pictures from our backyard wedding put together in 2 days with the help of my dear and sweet assistant Jessica. Thank you Jessica, for ALWAYS being a rock!! Ya’ll have no idea, how special this girl is to me. Not only was she able to help me pull this pretty backyard wedding together, but she has been a life savior and confidant, assistant and best friend. Through it all, she has been there.

My husband is a wine connoisseur so how fitting that we got married under an arbor of grape vines.

After the ceremony we moved the chairs over to the table for dinner.

unnamed

 

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31 Comments

  • Reply
    Sue
    October 25, 2016 at 12:51 pm

    Beautiful story, congratulations to you both glad to hear such a loving story
    Beautiful dress!!! Can you tell us about it? My daughter is getting married I think it would make a perfect mother of the bride

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 25, 2016 at 1:19 pm

      Thank you Sue. I got the dress from David’s Bridal it was under $600. I can dig it up and see who the designer was. It s a perfect MOTB dress!

  • Reply
    Angela Anzalone
    October 25, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    Sandra, what a lovely and touching story. I sort of know what you went through. My hubby and I got married very young, 19, and we were married for 8 yrs and then divorced. After about a year apart, we slowly worked our way back to each other and remarried. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and after years of therapy, both individual and marital, so many things clicked and makes sense. Hopefully one day I can write about it, like you, to inspire someone or be able to help them out. Thank you so much for sharing.

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 25, 2016 at 3:23 pm

      Angela sweetie. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know you understand what we have been through. It has been a journey of self-growth and understanding for sure.

  • Reply
    Laddie
    October 25, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    Wow! Amazing story with a happy beginning. So happy for you! I love to see happy marriages. We need to all value/respect marriage more. I hear of so many divorces and infidelities – breaks my heart. When I was growing up, I never heard of the word “divorce.” Now, it’s so common!! Anyways, thank you for opening up your heart and sharing your lovely story. I wish you the best!

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 25, 2016 at 3:19 pm

      It is very common now and sad as you said. Marriage is something that takes a lot of work and am so glad we are on this journey together.

  • Reply
    Michelle
    October 25, 2016 at 2:54 pm

    So happy to hear about your happy ending! My son has Aspergers and I don’t want to be a grammar Nazi, but it’s spelled with a p, not a b. ❤️

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 25, 2016 at 3:17 pm

      Thank you Michelle, yes with a P that was a typo 🙂 I hope your son is doing well. It’s something only loved ones dealing with really understands.

  • Reply
    Jana
    October 25, 2016 at 3:24 pm

    Such a beautiful love story! Congrats to you both!

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 25, 2016 at 6:48 pm

      Thank you so very much Jana!

  • Reply
    Talia
    October 25, 2016 at 4:43 pm

    Boo!!! I am so happy for you. I am glad helped you all through this. I will remember you all in my prayers when I think of you and as my hubby and I lift up married couples. Thanks for sharing your life with us. God bless you my sweet friend. Love you much even though its from afar. – Talia

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 25, 2016 at 6:46 pm

      Talia, doll you have always been so supportive, sweet and kind. Thank you so very much for the blessings and kind words sweet friend 🙂

  • Reply
    Zan
    October 25, 2016 at 5:46 pm

    What a story Sandra. I follow you on Instagram and was also surprised at the photo you put up from your shopping trip. So happy to know the behind the scenes and get a peek into your real life. I’m glad that you now know the truth and know how to re-love and also have found re-marrying him to be the best decision for your family. Congrats… beautiful photos!!

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 25, 2016 at 6:47 pm

      Hi Zan, I thought it was about time to share share my story. It’s not unique, but I felt it needed to be told 🙂

  • Reply
    Meredith
    October 25, 2016 at 10:18 pm

    What a beautiful post! I’m so happy you two have a second chance at love :))

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 25, 2016 at 11:47 pm

      Meredith, thank you very much for taking the time to write. I really do appreciate it!

  • Reply
    Rhonda
    October 26, 2016 at 2:55 am

    I’m so happy for you!!! I couldn’t wait to get home tonight to read your story. I’ve been married for 23 years, good, bad, UGLY, fabulous, healthy, and unhealthy years! Therapy is so necessary, but so taboo. Why??? You should read (if you haven’t already) “I Do Again” by Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs. They counseled us through our darkest hours. They were married, divorced 8 years, then married again. Beautiful love story! EVERYONE has their quirks…even the ones on the green grass! Thank you for being transparent! Hugs!!!

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 26, 2016 at 10:17 am

      Rhonda sweetie, thank you so much for your kind words and blessings. Therapy shouldn’t be taboo but sadly it is. Sometimes just having that extra person to talk to, not family and friends, just a neutral person help so much. I will surely pick up that book! thank you for suggesting it! XO

  • Reply
    Collette A Osuna
    October 28, 2016 at 11:01 pm

    I am soooooo very happy for you sweets…….everything happens for a reason, even if we don;t understand it at the time:)

    Best wishes to the happy couple!

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      October 31, 2016 at 1:36 am

      Thank you so very much sweet friend! You’ve been there through it all XO

  • Reply
    Samantha Hauger
    October 31, 2016 at 7:30 pm

    I admire you so much for sharing your experience with remarrying your ex husband! You are obviously a very kind and understanding soul! PS you looked GORGEOUS! I loved your dress!

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      November 1, 2016 at 12:31 am

      Hi Samantha, thank you so much! Wasn’t sure I would have shared our story, but I’m glad I did as it has been so inspiring to others. The dress was just right for a second wedding, so thank you sweetie

  • Reply
    DIY Floral Recipe: Fall’s Glory – The Rustic Life
    November 2, 2016 at 5:25 pm

    […] journey over with my new-exhusband…sounds confusing right…well read all about that right here Needless to say, now that things are getting back to normal, I’m happy to be sharing a […]

  • Reply
    Bridget B.
    November 27, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    Beautiful wedding and an even more beautiful story! It made me think of the saying “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
    I am happy to hear that you both were brave enough to overcome the past and give your relationship another chance.

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      November 28, 2016 at 10:11 am

      Thank you Bridget. wow what a saying. Never heard it before, but oh my how true that is. Marriage is work and I am happy we are giving ours a second chance.

  • Reply
    Paige Covington
    December 8, 2016 at 4:02 pm

    When my son was diagnosed with Aspergers we discovered that my husband also has it. Realizing that made a huge difference in how I perceived him. If not for the grace of God our marriage would have ended. It’s so hard when you feel like your the only emotionally invested party, but when you realize they don’t know how to show they are emotionally invested, it’s helps you to understand a little better. We have said the revelation of what he has is not an excuse. In terms same way our son has to learn things that may not come naturally to him, so does he. This last year has been a transformation. I can’t tell you what your post means to me. To know I’m not the only one who has walked and is walking through this. I have followed you on Instagram and never had a clue but I’m so thankful I stopped by here. Thank you for your transparency. Lord Bless you all!!

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      December 8, 2016 at 4:26 pm

      Paige,
      My dear, tears are brought to my eyes as I walk in your shoes my love. Isn’t it a God send when we know why they act the way they do. WHY they don’t show emotion, why they are awkward and uncomfortable in certain situations etc… It can feel lonely at times can’t it. The struggle is so real and hard at times. I love my husband and yes, if it wasn’t for the grace of God who gives me understanding and compassion I don’t know where we would be. Understand YOU are the blessing in their lives. Thank you for sharing with me.
      Sending Many XO as I’m sure you appreciate them.
      Sandra

  • Reply
    Tahara
    December 9, 2016 at 1:14 am

    This is my first time finding and reading your blog…I am glad I stopped by :-)…Your story is very inspirational…My husband and I didn’t divorce but had decided to separate after we were married for 7 years, then we decided that we still loved each other and worked with one another to really understand and love one another in a way that feels like love to each of us…We are now almost 17 years married, and I can’t imagine if we were not together…We came so close to giving up…Saving our marriage was one of the best decisions we ever made for ourselves and our boys…We are very different, but we are happy together now that we are committed to loving each other…It still blows my mind how happy I am with him, and how close we came to throwing it all away…Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us and God bless you and your family!

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      December 9, 2016 at 12:12 pm

      Hi Tahara,

      I love what you said “and love one another in a way that feels like love to each of us” thats powerful. Marriage is work. It’s so easy to give up. I hung in there for many years before I pulled the trigger, but I guess we were meant to be together and it sounds like you and your husband were too. It’s a wonderful thing when two people can acknowledge what they they bring to the relationship and what they don’t and try to fix it. I’m so happy you were able to find comfort and inspiration in my story. Cheers to you and your hubby for making your marriage work.
      XO Sandra

  • Reply
    Jen s
    March 31, 2017 at 2:53 am

    Hi Sandra,
    Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, it really hit home for me and has given me hope. My husband and I are going through a difficult time right now, but are in therapy together and separately hoping we can work things out. We’ve been married 8 years and I’ve always suspected he had aspergers, just from what I’ve read on the subject and with the issues we’ve had in our marriage. I often struggle to understand him and dont always feel reciprocation of my love. Therapy has made him more aware of how his actions effect me and I think we are on the right path. I pray daily for the strength and for God’s blessing that we can move on to a better place together.

    • Reply
      therusticlife
      March 31, 2017 at 11:42 pm

      Oh Jen,

      I’m so happy you were able to find my story and find comfort and hope in it. It sounds like you and your husband are on the right track in seeking guideance and outside help from a neutral person. Trust in your love. In hope, in God. Give it your best and try to understand the root of why your husband is who he is. It didn’t help that my husband was practically abused by his mother. I did not know this until after the divorce and during therapy. Can you imagine being married to someone for so long and not know that something so terrible happened to him in his youth. It explained so much. Anyways, you are blessed, always know that and know that God will not give you more than you can bear. Sending prayers and hugs!

      XO Sandra

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