To Love Again Or Not
So today is the day (on my 13th year wedding anniversary minus several months of divorce, so it doesn’t count), where I open up about one of the most torrid and challenging times in my adult life. To Love Again or Not – My ex-husband that is. Deciding to share this VERY personal story with you all was something I wasn’t sure I would do, but I thought transparency and openness with you all was what you deserved and I hope you can understand and be somewhat inspired.
So imagine after 11 years, you divorce someone, after 2 attempts at marriage counseling over the years, you decide to end your marriage. One of the most difficult things to do for anyone. Now imagine, you move on, fall in love, become engaged and you get a call … the call … the call from your ex where he says “I still love you and want you back”. Like Whoa! You think to yourself ”I’m flattered but no thank you”.
Unfortunately, the no thank you later that day becomes a “really, he still loves me”? You then start questioning yourself, your feelings, your future …”DO I still love him? With all that we have been through, do I even still want him”?. You try hard and I mean REALLY HARD to dive into your newly happily engaged life and see the bed of roses that lay before you…making a house into a home, planning a wedding etc etc … BUT in the back of your mind, HE is still there. The ex…tugging at your thoughts, your memory, your heart and the “what ifs” start creeping into your head which in turn creep into your life and current relationship. You and your fiancé still love and care for each other, but distance and resistance starts to set in. You know why it’s happening. You deny what you are feeling, because you never envisioned yourself going through something like this. Going through the emotions of being loved by one person so deeply, but you, yourself, loving someone else so deeply. Yes. Him. Your Ex-Husband. This my loves, was the torrid story of my life for a year. A year of asking … To Love Again Or Not.
Deciding to make the choice to go back to my ex-husband was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I don’t like hurting anyone, but in the end, someone was going to be hurt. I just had to make a decision as to what, in the long run, would make my heart happy and give me peace of mind. These are things that cannot be bought. There is no price you can put on them. I prayed often for guidance and help and in the end “a true love story never ends”. I had to come clean with everyone and ultimately with myself and admit to it. We both still loved each other very much and that was something we couldn’t deny. Yes, I did still love him. But I was scared. SOOOO scared because I wondered, had he REALLY changed. Don’t we all think this when deciding something so crucial? It’s only natural to fear the known. The years of tears and pain that he caused me, would they come back? Did he miss my physical presence or did he actually miss me? Why the sudden change? FEAR, it can make us strong and force us to overcome or it can make us weak and afraid to enter unknown territory, whether it be related to personal relationships or even starting a new career. Fear, is a beast that you don’t want to be consumed by. I trusted in our Father above and I listened to my heart and I chose. I chose him. I chose us…again.
There were tears, so many tears, but I had to move out and move on to rebuild and lift up my marriage. We went back to the marriage therapist that helped my husband to finally open up and be honest with not only me, but with himself. He had to admit to me things he NEVER did before during our our ENTIRE marriage that finally allowed me to hear him and feel him in a way I hadn’t before. To finally understand the man I had known. The man that I didn’t know. The man I loved.
He finally admitted, after he continued therapy sessions to things that he never told me before. Things that effected him and shaped him as a child such as abuse and lack of love and emotion in his home. He had no real example of how to build a family, how to love a family. How to open up. Here he was, standing tall, this big 6’5” man with his heart and mind finally opening. We also found out he has a mild case of Asbergers Syndrome, and if ANY of you know someone that has it, you can understand what it was like being married to him, without any explanation as to the “why he behaved like this”. (I’ll share on Aspergers another time) I learned so much about him. I now understand him. I now sympathize with him, I now help him to be the man that I know he is. Truly, I can’t complain, he worships the ground I walk on, treats me like a queen, knows how to love on me (ahem in the bedroom) and he now has a much better relationship with my daughter.
At first I thought OMG, are we crazy for remarrying again, and my oh my have we found out we are NOT alone. We have heard so many stories of ex spouses … many after YEARS apart, remarrying and it has filled our hearts with love and blessings. All in all I have grown and learned so much about us as humans and how strong we are in the face of adversity, and I am happy I have gone through my hell and have come out in one piece on the other side. We continue to see our therapist to help us build a stronger bond and work out any issues. Therapy has been a lifesaver and is something that should be considered when needed. No shame in that loves. None at all.
With ALL that said…here are my Top 4 Reasons to Re-Marry your Ex-Husband.
- People CAN Change
I know at first, this sounds sooooo cliché, but in this case it’s true. There are times that I step back in awe, that my husband now reacts to situations in a more tolerable way than he had before. I have learned to understand which of his behaviors are attributed to his Asbergers now that we have communication tools, (thanks to our on-going sessions with our therapist) to deal with them. Knowing is half the battle, and knowing, REALLY knowing what makes someone act the way they do, can do wonders.
- They Know You Like No One Else (you have history together)
You know that line in the Adele song “ ALL I ASK” (I’m listening to it as I type actually) where she says “no one knows me like you do” well it’s true of your ex. Whether you want to admit it or not. Think about how many people know you, the way you tick, the way you think, your hopes, fears and dreams, more than your ex. There is just a sense of familiarity and comfort after SO many years with someone. I’m not advocating staying with anyone for this sole reason, I’m just saying the truth. Now one knows you like your ex.
3. They Appreciate What They Lost (even it they don’t openly admit it)
You know people have to lose something they didn’t value, for them to actually value all that they had. Sometimes people actually do learn their lesson, when they let you go.
- All Men Have Issues In Some Shape or Form
Ladies, men … ALL of them have issues. Damn, we as ladies have issued LOL. I learned that. Things may seem rosy at first, green on the other side, but sometimes, things come into the light as time goes on in a relationship that wasn’t evident in the beginning months or year of a relationship. You then have to ask “do I really want to trade in the black kettle for the black pot”. If you ask yourself this question, you may just be surprised at your answer.
It feels wonderful to finally have reached the end of this post. I’m free. I’ve shared. Thank you for reading. My ex-fiancé and I are fine. We still care very much for each other and are good friends. He has even moved on and started dating again (he is quite into this new girl of his LOL, which makes my heart happy).
Now enjoy some intimate pictures from our backyard wedding put together in 2 days with the help of my dear and sweet assistant Jessica. Thank you Jessica, for ALWAYS being a rock!! Ya’ll have no idea, how special this girl is to me. Not only was she able to help me pull this pretty backyard wedding together, but she has been a life savior and confidant, assistant and best friend. Through it all, she has been there.
My husband is a wine connoisseur so how fitting that we got married under an arbor of grape vines.
After the ceremony we moved the chairs over to the table for dinner.